My fourth class was set up to be awful when I learned that my visiting girlfriend would arrive in the midst of my confinement. This news caused the expectedly terrible class to become twice as excruciating. Good thing my classmates are so consistently preposterous that their entertainment was sufficient to temporarily ward off my pending suicide. Here are the highlights.
The beginning of the class was relatively uneventful while everyone signed in and took the breathalyzer test. Then I saw the notorious gabba jamma lady. Semi-hidden in the corner of the room, she was sitting with her head limp against her chest as if she were either really tired or heavily drugged. I suspected the latter. Either way everyone else in the class was ignoring her, assuming she would come-to at the start of the class. Surprisingly to me, she did. Not surprisingly she started screaming in some sort of insane, incoherent redneck babble. Literally as soon as she lifted up her head up and took in her surroundings, turned to the teacher and asked a question in which she didn't say a single word in english. In contrast to when she asked about the gabba jammas, I couldn't even begin to come up with the spelling for any of the noises that came out of her mouth. This lady made Ozzy Osbourne sound like fucking Barack Obama. Not only was her original question incomprehensible but every fucking thing she said after that sounded less and less like anything. It was as if the speech control part of her brain was deteriorating before our eyes and it was god damn hilarious. Meanwhile our teachers looked on in disbelief as she continued to ramble in a language only understandable by her and her meth induced invisible friends. I literally would have an easier time interpreting Van Morrison lyrics than trying to convey to you any of what she said. Eventually she tired herself out, gradually decreasing in volume and stature until she had her head once again flaccid at her chest, softly mumbling to herself. At this point the teachers were legitimately concerned at her well being and began to question how the fuck she drove herself there. But she was asleep so they decided to ignore her for the time being and attempt to proceed with the class. Thinking back I actually have no fucking idea what we talked about after that so I probably spent the first half of the class contemplating the best way to swallow my tongue or if it was possible to slit my throat with a broken debit card. Eventually I zoned back in to hear an announcement for a break, and to see one of the teachers try to wake the gabba jamma lady from her meth coma. As everyone drifted outside to fulfill their nicotine lust, I stayed glued to my seat, hoping to see her start foaming from the mouth or turn into a zombie or something. Unfortunately the teacher spoke quietly to her and led her out of the room, leaving me bored and still unaware of what hilarious affliction she was enduring. As the rest of the class slowly trickled back into the room, that lady and one teacher were conspicuously absent. The other teacher then put in a fucking agonizing movie about how to hold an intervention for alcoholics. Though there were a few pretty great parts like when an old lady didn't know she had a broken arm cause she got so wasted all the time. And one about guy who wakes up at 8 am to go to work but instead decides to sit on the couch and drink a shitload of scotch, then call his wife a bitch for not calling in sick for him. hell yes. After the movie ended the teacher tried miserably to find something to talk about, but instead gave us another break. I took this opportunity to go talk to him about some stupid trash, i.e. suck his dick, cause i realized that if i become friends with these guys that they may be able to testify for me in court (on June 2) and relieve me of this hellish obligation. When the break ended the teacher told class about one of the questions I asked him and was met with blank stares. Regardless he spent the rest of the class going into the details of it cause he was at a loss for shit to talk about. The final moment of hilarity occurred when we could hear talking in the hall, presumably about what was happening with the drugged out lady, until the one teacher went and closed the door. A hilarious old hippy/biker, who I suspect is whoring out the younger girls of the class (for a later discussion), then blatantly got up, went and opened the door solely for the purpose of hearing the conversation. The teacher was so shocked that he didn't even do anything and we got to hear how the lady was definitely completely fucked on a cocktail of sleeping pills and how she would need a state trooper to drive her home. The lady then attempted a muffled protest but was immediately led away, probably to have her psychosis waterboarded out of her. Yes.
